My husband, Tyler, has ADHD; I do not. After 7 years together, I’ve found various ways to work through some of the challenges we face.
ADHD is described by the National Institute for Mental Health as a brain disorder that presents itself as inattention, hyperactivity and/or impulsivity. These words describe ongoing patterns that interfere with an individual’s executive functioning and development.
Here are 5 things that help me navigate life and marriage with my spouse who has ADHD:
#1. Be Direct
Tell them what you want; what you really, really want. I don’t know how to explain this better but, at times, I have this notion that Tyler should anticipate my needs and automatically respond the way I want him to. However, and this applies to any marriage, our spouses are not mind readers; if I want something done a certain way then I need to tell him.
#2. Be Patient
This ties in to the tip above. It’s very easy to become bitter and think that the other person purposely forgets things, loses interest in activities quickly, is hyper focused on a personal interest that they over look the details that are important to you (like putting the laundry in the dryer before you get home…just me? haha) because they do not care about your feelings or you in general. In reality, they’re more than likely more frustrated because, not only did they overlook something that needed to get done, they’re hyper-aware that it is important to you and are worried that they’re upsetting you.
It is not your spouse’s intent to cause you to feel this way. Remembering that allows you to extend them grace and work together to develop strategies for the future instead of creating distance in your relationship.
#3. Narrow Lists of Options
Tyler gets incredibly overwhelmed by choices. Why? There are simply too many options for his brain to narrow down just one. At restaurants, I can literally feel his anxiety levels rise as he stares at the menu looking for what to tell the waiter. There are colors, sounds, smells and there are billions of items. Not to mention, some of the menus even have captions on the sides that can be distracting enough for someone without ADHD. I’ve discovered that, if I take it upon myself to simply hand him the “specials” menu or I talk to him about a specific section of a larger menu, he is able to focus better and have an easier time making a decision.
#4. Provide Reassurance
Many people living with ADHD struggle with insecurity in relationships. They know that there is something different about their brains and they aren’t always sure that the other person truly wants to be with them. Often times, when Tyler has a moment of hyperactivity, he will step back and say something like “You’re just thinking ‘What did I get myself into?’” or “You’re stuck with me”. These are literal words that come from my husband’s mouth and I remind him “No, I am not ‘stuck’ with you; I choose to be here because I love you”.
Check Out: “What I Wish My Partner Knew About My ADHD/ADD”
#5. Remember That They Are Still An Adult
This is one of the most important tips I can give. At the beginning of our relationship I often felt like I was acting as Tyler’s mother. When I’d schedule texts or leave sticky notes around the house, I thought “Why do I have to do this?” or “Can’t he be responsible enough to remember?” The fact of the matter is; he hadn’t learned to cope with the many attributes ADHD brings to a relationship and, neither had I.
Your spouse is as much of an adult as you are. I’m sure, as is the case in my marriage, there are areas where you too could use a little “growing up”. For me it is finances; I am horrible at budgeting. Thankfully, Tyler is fantastic with money. While he’s impulsive at times, he’s also organized enough to track our spending well. I’m appreciative of the fact that he doesn’t treat me like a child because I am not strong in this area 🙂
Truthfully, what marriage is made up of two perfect people? I personally think that would take out the adventure of truly getting to know someone and growing together.
Leave a comment if you’ve found any of these tips useful or have suggestions that have helped your marriage/relationship.
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